PIC

May 7, 2015

Derby Masters

In 2010 when my old, humdrum life ceased to be and my derby filled life began I had no idea the sport would change my life as much as it has. Maybe not the sport on its own merit but the people who the sport has brought into my life would be a more accurate statement to make.  The derby world is really a microcosm of real life, it is subject to bullies, abusers, lovers, family, friends, jocks, gossipers, supporters etc. The major difference is that in one form or another all of those who are in derby…would for the most part be located on the outcast spectrum of individuals. So eloquently presented to me byKendle as “nerds, those who are socially awkward and misfits.”With that being said, I’ve never been so happy to belong to a subset of people. In the event anyone is wondering what any of this has to do with anything…I’m not really sure. When I sit down to type a blog post I don’t usually have a topic in mind or a direction to go. I let the words appear and I follow them. Sometimes the post turns into something horribly painful, but sometimes it turns into joy or an “ah ha” moment. I guess today’s post has yet to discover its purpose, and I’m okay with that.

So back to what I started with…in 2010 I remember pouring through album after album that was published by the masters in derby photography. The amazing works of Jules, Joe, Bob, Nicholas, Danny, Jenny, Frank and so many others. They were all at the head of the pack (pun intended) capturing wonderful derby moves and people in a moment of time that would forever be envied and looked to with awe and inspiration. To me, they were modern day Picasso’s, Michael Angelo’s or Salvador Dali’s. What Ansel Adams did with Half Dome they did with derby…capturing a thought, an emotion, a moment in time that would never be quite the same. As a side note, I didn’t originally plan to try and be a photographer in derby…I wanted to skate. My dream was to be a pivot, to control the pack, to make walls that would be impossible to get by. To support my jammer, make creases to free them from the pack…I wanted to play. I tried…but easily gave up on that dream because this body of mine…it don’t skate.

I messed around doing photography on my piddly Canon Xti and oh how horribly awful those photos were. But something stirred within me…and little by little I listened to the small voice inside me that was guiding me to do and be more than a girl who couldn’t skate. I worked hard and became a pretty darn good Non Skating Official but I wasn’t satisfied with that. So I consulted some of the fine artists of my day about my love of photography…Frank let me borrow his camera and lens a couple times…and that small voice turned into a scream. More words of support and guidance came from Bob and Jenny, then Danny …I started renting cameras and lenses for derby tournaments…and the scream got louder. I worked and struggled to get better…but still felt so far away from the quality that the masters make look so easy.

If anyone were to ask how I feel about my photography, you would get much the same answer as I gave 5 years ago. I would hem and haw, shift my weight back and forth, kick at the floor or dirt and tell you all the things that I see wrong with my photos. Yes, there are some that I think to myself…what do you know, that doesn’t look so bad. Nice. But my cruel reality is that I am still so amazingly far away from the quality of the greats. I am still so much…an amateur. I work almost daily, just like the derby athletes that I capture…to get better, hone my skills, get my mind to wrap around the intricate details of certain movements, lighting adjustments…always learning how to make things less blurry and more focused.  While I do feel I have made progress, I only see how very far I have yet to go.

I never in my wildest dreams could have ever thought I would be doing all the photography that I am currently involved in. I mean, seriously…I am no Jules Doyle. I am no Danny Ngan. I am just…me. But despite my feelings of unworthiness, this season I have found myself in an odd situation. I shoot derby for two leagues…two amazingly talented leagues. I’m friends with many of the greats that I had once and do continue to think the world of. Where once I was sitting in the cheap seats at Key Arena watching the photographers scramble around and take pictures…thinking to myself how amazingly awesome that must be…I have now had the chance to be on the floor with the skaters and other photographers. And while everyone’s attention was focused on the athletes (as it should be) I quietly had my dreams come true.  Being behind the scenes, in the depths of Key Arena watching the athletes get their game faces on, pump each other up and experience their joy at being part of a great team. It was a surreal feeling standing in the hallways, being with the athletes and now actually being friends with some…I can’t accurately explain to you the joy that fills my heart.

I was talking with James at the Nest a week or so ago about my nagging feelings that I will never be as good as Jules, Joe etc.He quickly made fun of me because here I was complaining about all the things I see wrong with my photography yet, just had two of my photos make it onto a poster and one onto a billboard in Oregon. (I’d have made fun of myself too when you put that way.) And he said something that has really stuck with me, “they had their time and we saw their work. Now it’s your time to share your work. Your work is a stand alone, if they wanted Jules or Joe, they would be here. But it’s your time now. Stop trying to be like them. Be you.”

I wonder if Picasso or Ansel Adams looked at their work and thought “meh.”

2010-2012